Cultural Appropriations · Rants For Thought

Hunting the Wild Butt Gap: Finding Clothes for Plus-Sized Women

My goal in life is to resemble a normal human being. This can’t be hard, right? I mean, the fashion industry has women down. We all a) look the same; b) wear the same things and c) are all the same size in every way. So how hard can it be?

Shopping when you’re a size 18/20 is the easiest thing in the world. It’s so easy, in fact, that I can find clothing that’s going to look amazing on me by just walking into a mall. It flies onto me with no tailoring at all.

Nevertheless, for my fellow fat chicks who are gorgeous, but are having trouble finding the perfect ensemble to keep them looking that way, I’ve created a small list. You, too, can have clothes that look amazing on your body – even if you don’t meet the status quo! (But that’s a lie. All women look the same.)

1. I start out by trying to find stores that are going to carry plus-size clothing that will actually look flattering. Why thank you, Old Navy, but most of your fat girl clothes are either humongous and bare most of my chest or fit in all the wrong places. And H&M, “plus-size” does not mean a tiny XL that barely fits over my boobs. I realize that “vanity sizing” is in, now, but I’d really rather just have a shirt that doesn’t show off every roll on my body.

Of course, perfect plus-size stores are everywhere. I found just a store the other day – it had a tiny plus-size section and a huge regular sizing section. This store meets every single one of my clothing requirements. So, I soldier on in. What a variety! What colours, what fabrics! Three shirts, two dresses and a few capris! It’s heaven for fat women!

2. The first thing to remember is that most retailers make dresses for chubby women in one style: the bag. If you haven’t seen the bag, just picture a potato sack with holes cut for your arms and head. Maybe it has a bow on the front. And I mean, what more do I need? I own bags in all sorts of colours and fabrics. I don’t need any form fitting or ornamentation. Now, the bag is a step up from the muu-muu, so we are moving onwards and upwards. I can choose from so many! Except that this year, stripes and huge floral patterns are in. Damn. I’ll have to go with jacquard and this odd-looking olive green colour again.

3. Luckily, retailers have foreseen that a bag on its own may not work. So, I introduce the ubiquitous cardigan. Cardigans are basically saviours for any outfit. They are mighty useful, since they not only form-fit your bag dress, but they can also cover up those unsightly ugly upper arms that you might dare to show off when you wear a tank top. I own five cardigans – one for every occasion, from casual babysitting to going out to a black tie gala.

4. Next: capris. Oh, capris. Not quite pants, not quite shorts, but just enough to keep fat women cool while making sure that their legs don’t offend regular society. I bought four pairs, one in each colour. There were some hopeful-looking shorts on a table nearby, but unfortunately, they lead me to my next point.

5. The bane of pants- or shorts-shopping for fat women can be summed up in two words: ass gap. This refers to the sometimes miles-wide gap between your back and the waistband of your potential new pants. The wild ass gap appears for me most of the time, as I have a fairly nipped-in waist and a huge bum. I like to play “what will fit in my ass gap today?” and drop all sorts of objects in there to see what I can get away with. I was once able to carry an entire picnic lunch in the space between my back and my pants waistband. Wondrous!

6. Okay. If bags and capris don’t do it for you, you can buy some blouses. Blouses are produced in two varieties: the flowing, long type designed to hide your stomach, but which really gives the impression of pregnancy, and the cropped type meant to flatter the waist, but which normally doesn’t fit over the boobs unless you go two sizes too big. Then it’s too long for me. But honestly, what am I complaining about? At least these come in different colours and ornamentation! I can’t ask for too much!

7. Lastly: shoe shopping. Ah. Here I can relax. I’m a size 7 and most shoes fit me well. Except boots. I don’t know how I could have forgotten that women with small feet always have small legs. I mean, it just makes sense! So if I can’t zip up a boot over my calf, well, that’s my problem – I have small feet, I should have small legs! Why expect retailers to understand my issues with shoes?

Plus-size shopping is a wonderful experience that I would trade for nothing else. Armed with my bags, capris, too-long blouses and flat, non-booted shoes, I’m ready for another season!

Good thing jewellery is one-size-fits-all!

Advertisements

6 thoughts on “Hunting the Wild Butt Gap: Finding Clothes for Plus-Sized Women

  1. This made me laugh muchly 🙂 I feel the pain of boots not fitting over your legs, ridiculous sizing (I’m anything from M to XL depending on where you are) and baggy clothes to accentuate my loveliness… 😀

  2. Funny article about a much-dreaded topic! Plus-sized shopping! I have found a few styles that make me look, seriously, 30 pounds lighter. Kimono type tops that cover the back of the arms are amazing – Especially if they are in geometric patterns – Then everyone gets an optical illusion by looking at you!

    Thanks for sharing this!

  3. Can you suggest where I can find clothes for my sister? She’s 5’1″ with short arms . I recently bought cardigans for her and had to take up the sleeves 5 inches. She takes xx or xxx size and usually the shoulders are hanging as they are made for tall women. I tried to buy boots for her last year and discovered none would fit over her calves. She can’t put on stockings either as she has trouble bending. I would appreciate any help finding a store which caters to her size! Thanks!

Tell me what you think!

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s